The 5 People You Meet in College

In the book “The 5 People You Meet in Heaven” the main character dies but before he goes to Heaven he travels to different times in his life to meet 5 people whose lives were immensely affected by his.  Today I want to write a post about the 5 people who have affected my life this semester at school.  Each of these people had changed me in more ways than one and I don’t think they’ll ever truly understand.  One semester is not enough time to get to know people this great and I am going to miss out on so many other lessons that I could learn from them.

First is Kelsey.  She is the best person I know and she is in the smallest package.  She has a zest for life that I have seen in very few other people and she is amazingly good at everything she does.  She taught me that greatness is not dependent on height, brains, skills, but that greatness is your state of mind and the will of your heart.

Ashley comes from a far off land in the middle of nowhere and yet she is still so cool.  She hosts amazing social events and always knows how to entertain the people around here.  She is a devoted friend.  She taught me that being a friend isn’t just being there when someone needs you, but that it’s also about helping to make meaningful and fun memories together.

Bree is one of the good ones.  She is beautiful, smart, funny, and a myriad of great qualities, even if she won’t tell you.  Bree makes me laugh so hard that I feel like I’m going to die, but then she understands the need for quiet times too.  Bree is so great.  She taught me that anything can be a joke if you can find the humor in it.  She can take wildly inappropriate or uncomfortable situations and break the awkwardness by bringing in humor.

Nicole is someone I have had much less interactions with than the other 4, but she has still had a profound effect on me.  She truly listens to me when I talk which, if you know me, you that most people don’t listen to me because mixed in with my wisdom is a lot frivolous stuff.  But when I talk to her she actually listens to every word and she tries to glean out the wisdom from the extra stuff.  She also has a quiet energy about her that makes me happy even when she isn’t talking.  She emanates joy.  She taught me that listening to people can be as great a joy as talking.  I’m going to listen more because I want to understand the world the way she does.

Ty is my best friend.  He is such a great man and is so conscientious about doing good things.  He tries not to do anything that he feels is a waste of time and he is very frugal.  He has a car and would drive me places that I needed to go and he would go to parties with me just because I wanted to go.  We made a movie together and did some pretty ridiculous stuff, but we also went to church and did service projects together.  We don’t hang out all the time like some friends, but we try to do something at least once a week.  Ty has shown me the kind of man I want to someday become.  I will never be as quiet or patient as he is, but I will try to be more forgiving and to waste less time.  Ty taught me the true nature of service and charity.  I want to help people more because I have known Ty.  He is a great man and a great friend.

Letters to God

I haven’t written anything in a while, but I need to write today.  I just finished watching a movie called Letters to God.  It’s based on the true story of a boy who has brain cancer and all through his treatment wrote letters to God everyday talking about the people in his life and how they needed help.  Occasionally he asked for strength for himself, but most of the time he just wrote about the needs of others.  He would then put the letter in an envelope with a stamp and the simple address – “To: God, From: Tyler”  The mailman who got their mail would read these letters and in the movie you see how Tyler’s influence changes this man’s life.  As the movie went along Tyler invited other people to write letters to God and we watch as the letter’s change them too.

At the end of the movie the mailman realizes that people need to know that Tyler was thinking about them through his whole ordeal and so he reads all of the letters and then takes them to the people who the letters were about.  As each person reads their letter they are touched by his thoughtful concern for them even though he had his own trials.  The last scene of the movie is Tyler on his deathbed.  His mom gives him permission to let go.  Then there is a series of clips of people writing letters to God about Tyler. 

As I watched these last few moments of the movie tears began to flow down my face and I sat on the couch in my living room and wept.  Not tears of sadness that Tyler died, but tears of joy at the lives he was able to make better in his 9 year life.

I try so hard to be who the Lord needs me to be and to change lives for the better.  I’m still learning and still growing, but I hope that someday I will be able to help people to be better like that little boy with cancer did.  I may never succeed, but I will also never stop trying.

Two Things I Need Help With

Dear anyone reading this,

Usually I have some wisdom to share with you all, but today I am struggling.  I need advice, help, or whatever comfort you feel you can provide.  There are two things that are on my mind today.  First, having my ideas and thoughts completely blown off and dismissed because I haven’t served a mission, and second feeling lonely.

In church I am the only guy who goes to priesthood who hasn’t served a mission.  There are other guys in my ward who haven’t served mission, but they never stay through priesthood.  Because I’m the only one who hasn’t been on a mission my raised hand in priesthood is often ignored.  I know they can see it, so I am purposely and personally being rejected.  And it hurts.  I know that I haven’t served a mission so there are some things that I can’t understand, but I have lived for 19 years and have some life experience that might contribute to what someone else needs to hear.  I was so frustrated today that I stopped listening for a while.  I’m sure it was a great lesson but my pride got in the way and I’m sorry for that.  There is one guy in my ward, Justin, who has even been remotely kind to me and I am so thankful for that.

This transitions into my next concern for the day.  I have felt so lonely lately and I hate it.  I know I shouldn’t feel lonely because I have gone to a friend’s apartment or had a friend over every single day.  I’m so grateful for all of you who have visited me.  But my roommates are never around so I don’t know them.  I feel like I don’t have a family, like my brothers are gone.  My one roommate who I really clicked with has a girlfriend who doesn’t like me and so vicariously he has a hard time convincing her to make me feel welcome in my own apartment when she is around.  I just feel like an intruder in my own living room.  I am having a great time with school and my friends, but at the end of the day when all the other distractions in life are gone I just feel so alone.  It’s almost physically painful.  I miss my brother Garrett more than I knew was possible.  I miss Channing.  I miss my parents.  I don’t know what to do.

Suggestions, advice, or comfort for either topic?  I could really use the help.

Tyler

God's Love

On the first day of class I came in not really sure what to expect.  I had switched classes late on Sunday night because I was feeling uncomfortable with my schedule as it was.  I am so glad I did.  I really enjoy Brother Griffin’s teaching style.  What I really want to reflect on from this week though is Heavenly Father’s love.

We were talking about the Plan of Salvation on Monday.  We talked about how when the Father asked for volunteers to be the Savior we must have all looked apprehensively at the Jesus hoping that He would take the job.  He responded “Here am I, send me.” (Abraham 3:27)  Brother Griffin put up a quote by Neal A. Maxwell where he points at that “Never has one individual offered to do so much for so many with so few words.”  I thought that was a brilliant quote that really changed the way I look at all “great” acts in history.

Next Brother Griffin went on to explain that Lucifer then stood up and said that he could make us all come to Earth and be good so that we could return to live with the Father, but he wanted the glory for making it happen.  Then Brother Griffin gave one of the most profound and beautiful statements about Heavenly Father that I have ever heard.  I couldn’t write down the exact quote, but he said something like this “If Satan’s plan could have possibly worked Heavenly Father, God, being the man that He is would have stepped off of His throne and allowed Lucifer to bring us all back to Him.”

We know that Lucifer’s plan couldn’t possibly have worked.  We needed to come to Earth to become a God ourselves, not just to get back to the Father.  We started out with Him, why would we need to leave just to come back?  “The purpose of the Plan is to become something (state of being) and to get somewhere (location).” – Brother Griffin

Knowing that’s what needed to happen Heavenly Father could not allow Lucifer to take the glory and bring us all back.  I prayed about it and had it confirmed to me that even if Satan could have guaranteed that one person, me, could return to Him (and like Him) He would have stepped down and allowed Satan to make it happen.

I’ve always known that I am a child of God and that He loves me individually more than I can even begin to comprehend, but in the moment that prayer was answered I felt His love stream through me like a fire.  I want to testify to whoever reads this that He loves YOU.  And I want you to know that I love Him.  I am so happy to be His son and to know that truth of His presence and how to communicate with Him.

Pearls of Wisdom - The Santa Teresa Ward Sisters

The Sisters came to my house on Thursday for lunch.  I made them each a salad and gave them some imported chocolate.  Afterwards we went into the living room and they taught me a lesson.  They had me put some “Magic Goo” in my hand.  If I let it sit in my palm it turned to liquid and would slip through my fingers, but if I kept it moving with my hands it stayed a solid and it wouldn’t t fall through my fingers.  If I stopped manipulating it, even for just a second, it turned back into a liquid and fell out of my hands.

They told me that this is like the Gospel.  If we build our lives around the gospel and then leave our testimonies static then our testimony and everything we’ve centered our lives on would start to slip through our fingers.  It’s a way that I had never really heard this lesson and I’m glad I had a chance to have them teach me this.  We’re told all the time that if we aren’t taking steps to make our testimonies grow then it is diminishing, but we forget to connect that to the rest of our lives.  When we build our entire lives around what we believe and then forget to nourish that belief then we lose that foundation.

I will build my life around this gospel and I will continually work to make what I believe stand firm and not let it slip away.  I love this church and I hope to never need to watch my life slip away because I’ve forgotten to believe.  I hope we are all able to nourish what we believe and keep our lives firmly planted on the solid foundation that we have built for ourselves.

Peace Comes Through Hope

Here’s the talk I gave in church today:

James E. Faust once said: “Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”

Hope is the confident expectation of and longing for the promised blessings of righteousness. The scriptures often speak of hope as anticipation of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ. In our common speech hope is often tinted with doubt, but in our church hope is sure, unwavering, and active.  D&C 59:23 says “that he who doeth the works of righteousness shall receive his reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come.”

Recently I went on a scavenger hunt with a friend and one of the things we had to get were some words of wisdom from a stranger.  We stopped into an almost empty candy store and asked the teenage clerk for his wisdom.  He thought for a moment and said “First, always treat others the way you want to be treated.  Second, always give and don’t always expect to get anything.  And third, no matter how good you are, bad stuff still happens.”  We talked to him for a couple more minutes and then we continued on our way.  After we left I started thinking about the words of wisdom he chose to share with two random people.  He told us about the Golden Rule, which is something we should all live by and is pretty common.  Next he talked about giving.  And the last thing he shared was a thought that I have not very heard often phrased like this outside of the church.  He said “No matter how good you are, bad stuff still happens.”  This is a statement that sounds almost sad, like there is no way to win, but this guy said it like it was a promise, like he relished the challenge.  He said this with a glint in his eye that made me suspect that he knew something about these bad things that most people didn’t know.  I think he knew that these things all have a purpose.  It is said about work that it is just fun disguised in overalls, well I believe the same thing about challenges: they are just blessings disguised in overalls.

When we change our perspective from how hard or how hectic and crazy our lives are to the lessons we can learn and the ways we can grow our view of everything in life changes.  Instead of seeing this moment we can look at the Heavenly timeline and see who we can become instead of what we’re going through. 

Elder F. Enzio Busche of the Quorum of the Seventy gives some useful advice in a devotional he gave at BYU in 1996.   He says: “I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:
* Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.
* When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.
* In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.
* First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don't permit anything to detract you from this awareness.
* You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.
* Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.
* Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church.
* God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.
* God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us--everything will fall into its place.
* Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.
* When you cannot love someone, look into that person's eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.
* Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges.
* If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.
* Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.
* Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.
* Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.
* You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.
* The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.
* Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.
* And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.”

I know a young man.  He was born into a large family but when he was young his father died in an accident.  His mother went a little crazy and started doing drugs and drinking.  The children were left to fend for themselves.  Eventually the decision was made that the 6 youngest children would be best served if they were split up and sent to live with various relatives.  This young man was sent to live with relatives 700 miles from his nearest sibling while all of the others remained relatively close to each other.  This young man entered a period of darkness in his life when everything looked hopeless.  He never lost faith in the Lord and his plan, but he did wonder if the plan would ever put good things in his path.  Eventually the darkness became overwhelming and this young man went to a church activity crying.  His leaders immediately took him aside and just listened to him.  He talked and talked until he ran out of words.  His leaders thought for a moment and told him that happiness was a choice.  That no matter what happened yesterday if he made the decision to be happy then he could be.  If he hoped for a better day, that day would come.  Ever since then this young man has had huge growth in his testimony, in his demeanor, and in his happiness.  In his life, no matter how frenzied, crazy, and terrible life seems he has hope and is able to find peace.

The Savior suffered in the Garden so that our sins may be washed clean and we can be saved.  He died for us and rose again so that we may live.  There must be opposition in all things.  We cannot know happiness without feeling despair.  We cannot fathom true love without first experiencing heartache.  We cannot grow without first feeling the sting of growing pains.  The difficult times in our lives when we have doubts or when we struggle are given to us so that we may eventually become Gods like our Father.  That knowledge, that hope, brings peace to my life and I hope it can bring peace to yours as well.

I say these things in the name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Racism

“This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg.  Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we are still fighting among ourselves today.  This green field right here, painted red, bubblin' with the blood of young boys.  Smoke and hot lead pouring right through their bodies.  Listen to their souls, men.  ‘I killed my brother with malice in my heart.  Hatred destroyed my family.’  You listen, and you take a lesson from the dead.  If we don't come together right now on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed, just like they were.  I don't care if you like each other of not, but you will respect each other.  And maybe...I don't know, maybe we'll learn to play this game like men.” – Remember the Titans

I’m going to wax a little political in this post and it might turn into somewhat of a rant, but I feel the need to express my beliefs and this is the only forum I have for that.

This morning I saw “The Help.”  I’m inclined to say that this is the best movie I have ever seen.  It’s not my favorite, but I think it’s the best.  It had me laughing out loud, crying, furious, and overjoyed.  The premise for the movie is that an author wants to write a book about what it is really like to be a member of “The Help” or the African American women who are nannies and maids to the white families.  She interviews several of these women and in the movie we see some of the joyous moments they have, but we also see the atrocities that are committed against them.

I absolute hate racism, but not in the common way.  People usually say that being against racism is to be extra nice to people who aren’t white, but I feel like that is racism in reverse.  I believe that you are being racist if you treat someone differently because of the color of their skin, the church they attend, the country they live in, how old they are…etc.  Telling a white kid they can’t go to college because someone else’s ancestors’ enslaved black people 150 years ago is unfair.  That’s also like saying that the black kid is too stupid to get into college without help.  College applications should get rid of race and judge entirely by merit without any knowledge of race or religion.

I tease people, a lot, and I make comments about racial stereotypes but I make fun of every race: I talk about bad Asian drivers, gangster black kids, smelly Indians, large nosed Jews, and white trash Americans.  People sometimes refer to my comments as racist, but I love people of all races.  If our culture didn’t have the beautiful collection of races that we have we couldn’t possibly be who and what we are.  So no, I am not racist.  I don’t single one race out as too sensitive to receive my comments nor does any one race receive more teasing than another.  All races, colors, and creeds are fair game to me because I love and appreciate each and every one of them.

I don’t want to incite anger or bad feelings towards me or anyone else, but I did want the world to know that Racism in all forms is unacceptable.  If you treat me differently than your black friend I want it to be because I’m a different person, not because I’m white.  I will show you that same courtesy.  We often focus on our differences so much that we forget how we are alike.  We are all children of God.  He loves us and wants us to learn to love each other the way he loves us.  He doesn’t see color he only sees people and personalities.  Let us make a world where we don’t see color, we only see actions.  Martin Luther King Jr. said “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.”  May we all live our lives this way in hopes that one day the whole world will see as we do and love.  No matter what.

Pearls of Wisdom – Bishop Holt

I had a meeting a few days ago with my Bishop and he gave me some really wonderful advice.  We were talking about my future mission and he asked me if I have ever had a roommate.  I said yes.  Then he asked if there has ever been anyone in my life that I just couldn’t stand.  Again, I said yes.  Then he told me that I would almost certainly have a companion on my mission that was both of those things.  I had heard this before, but in that moment I realized that I would be on my mission in a few months and I would have that companion soon after.  I must have looked a little shell shocked because he then gave me some very important advice.  He said, “There are two things you must do to get along with this companion.  First, love them and second, bear your testimony to them.”

He went on to explain these two statements.  He told me to love my companions because the way I treated and interacted with my companions would be a reflection of how I will seek after and then treat my future wife.  He went on to explain that the way I treated my companions and the way I treated my wife would reflect how I will treat my children.  The way I treat my children will help decide if they are productive and valued members of society.  The way I treat them will reflect how they treat others and the cycle will continue forever.  The habits that I will learn on my mission and the way I treat my companions will have effects more far reaching than I can possibly imagine right now.  This is reminiscent of something called “The Butterfly Effect.”  This states that a butterfly flapping it’s wings in New York could cause a monsoon in India.  Or that me smiling at someone today could cause them to smile at someone else, or make a different decision than they would otherwise and those changes will affect other things and I can in fact change the world.  I will try to remember all of these things in everything that I do, from the way I live with my family now to how I live with my mission companions.  I will love them.

He also told me to bear my testimony to my companions.  He explained that opening yourself up in that way and sharing some of the most personal things in our hearts binds people together.  Sharing a spiritual experience forces people to grow closer together.  You cannot have the Spirit descend on two people without learning to love the other person.  I know that even now when I share my testimony with someone I draw closer to that person.

I hope that I can always love the people I am with and that I can bear my testimony to the people in my life.  By doing these things I will draw closer to Heavenly Father and become more like him.  I will always strive to do what’s right because I want to be able to grow and learn and have a positive effect on everyone I meet.  If you love the people you live with and share your testimony with others around you, you will grow and have a positive effect on the people around you too.

Dear Friends - I Miss You So Much

Dear friend,

I’ve known you for more than two years.  I met you in a place that I expected to be spiritually blessed but I ended up gaining so much more than that.  You’ve been there for me in my lowest moments, and you’ve rejoiced with me in my highest ones.  I don’t see you very often but because of what you’ve taught me I’ll always have you with me.  You’re getting ready to move on with your life and you’re about to embark on the greatest adventure you can imagine.  You challenge me to be a better person and you remind me of the spiritual things that I sometimes forget.  You show me miracles in the most common of places.  Having known you I see blessings in places I would’ve missed them before and I know that I’m a better person.  We’ve been on a road trip together and I even had to drive you home while you slept in the car.  You drove me to the airport when I had no other way to get there.  You brought me lasagna just because your family had extra.  I’m so glad I know you.  You truly have helped me become the man I am. 

I miss you so much,

Tyler

Dear friend,

You’re gone now.  You’re serving a mission and setting a wonderful example for me.  We carpooled to choir every week for almost a year and we talked about everything from girls to death to education and everything else you can imagine.  You asked me the most ridiculous questions and gave me the most profound answers.  You didn’t knock at our house when the door was unlocked because you knew you were always welcome.  You’ve had more peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches in my house than anyone that’s not in my family.  When I needed a wingman you were more than willing, and when I needed a friend because I had to go to an awkward social event you accompanied me.  You sent me my first Transfer Planner pre-decorated so that I could go into the mission field with my own bling.  You have taught me so much about being a man.  You truly are my brother and you will always be my friend.

I miss you so much,

Tyler

Dear friend,

You’d sat next to me for 6 months and never spoken to me more than a couple of angry words (I learned later you weren’t angry you just didn’t like me).  One day you turned and shot me a huge smile and started talking to me like we were best friends.  It didn’t take very long before we were best friends.  I don’t know why you decided that I was worth talking to or when you realized you didn’t dislike me, but I’m glad you did.  My house became a safe place for you to get away from all the other crazy stuff in your life.  You felt safe and comfortable when you were with my family and me and in return you allowed me to make you feel safe.  You would come over when you were stressed and I’d calm you down, or we’d go out just because we could and everything was easy when we were together.  You’ve moved now and I won’t get to see you very many more times before our lives might take separate paths.  There is a chance that our lives will connect again, but I fear the worst.  Promise not to forget me when I’m gone and I promise I’ll remember what you’ve taught me and be a better person for it.

I miss you so much

Tyler

Pain and Revelations

I had surgery on Wednesday.  The first few days were great.  I was highly medicated and walking on air because of it.  I have discovered from my other surgeries that I develop addictions very quickly.  I quit the meds after 2.5 days and I still went through withdrawals last night.  It was absolutely terrible.  My temperature shoots way up, but my body feels cold; I’m sweating bullets but I still need two blankets.  My body shakes and the vibrations, combined with the lack of heavy medicines reaching my hurt area, caused my neck to hurt so badly I wanted to cry out in pain.  The only way to distract myself from the pain and have it be somewhat bearable is to watch a movie, eat something, text friends, and play little games with myself to keep my mind occupied on anything and everything that wasn’t my throat.

I mention this not to show how tough I am, but how vulnerable I am.  Something as small as a tiny white pill can drive me to the point of pain where all I want to do is give up.  These little pills are so powerful.  I’m not, and never will be, a drug addict.  I refuse to have my body ruled by something that could destroy me.

I have now had 4 surgeries in 4 years and I am finally realizing the power that pain relievers have on me.  After each of my surgeries I asked myself “Why me, why now?”  I think I finally understand.  There were 3 reasons:  First, I needed to value my body.  I am healthy most of the time and I need to never take that for granted.  Second, I needed to meet or get to know certain people who I never would’ve gotten know had it not been for surgery.  Third, I needed to know that drugs are more powerful than I ever imagined.  It took me 4 surgeries to truly understand that.  I will now never be tempted to use drugs, ever.  I don’t know why I’m so dumb that it took me so many times to realize these things, but I’m glad I know them.  These revelations will alter some of the decisions of my future and I’m grateful for the knowledge I now have.

I’m sorry this post doesn’t seem as well articulated as usual.  I had to get these thoughts out there, but I’m still in a lot of pain and am having trouble thinking clearly.  I love you all for reading what I have to say.  Thank you for your support and love.  I know that the strength of your thoughts bring me courage and strength as well.  I am a part of you as you are a part of me.  Always remember that we all live for each other.  If we keep that knowledge in mind we can help those who only we can help.  We can love those only we can love.  And we can be helped and loved by those who are able to love and help us the way we need.

Life's Tessellations

A tessellation is a kind of art.  It is used to describe when two objects slide, flip, or rotate to fit in with itself to form one larger structure with no gaps or wholes.  In other words if you have a triangle and you rotate it so that the sides line up you have used a tessellation.

My life seems to be filled with tessellations.  When I think my life is getting to a good place it gets flipped upside down and rotated around until the direction I thought I was headed in seems like a diagonal course to where I am now headed.  Take the last two days for example.  Two days ago I knew where my life was headed.  I had two good jobs, I was getting ready to go back to school, I was preparing to go on a mission for my church, and I just felt like I would be in a good place for a while.  On Sunday I was shaving and noticed a bump on my throat.  I called the doctor and we scheduled an appointment for an hour later.  I went in and she told me that she thought it was a benign cyst but she wanted me to see a specialist in the morning. 

This morning I went to the specialist and he told me he thought he’d need to cut it out, but he had to get a CT scan to make sure.  I got the CT scan and went back to the office.  He told me it was a Thyroglossal Duct Cyst.  He told me that when we’re born our Thyroid is up higher and then travels down our throats to its final resting place.  As it goes down parts sometimes get separated and then grow as separate entities.  That’s what happened to me.  This gap in my throat has been growing my whole life but recently became filled with liquid and bloated and became noticeable.

He told me he needed to remove it.  He sent me to the scheduler and she told us a spot had opened seconds earlier for surgery on Wednesday.  I booked the appointment.  To remove a thyroglossal duct cyst they make an incision a few inches across, pull the skin away, and cut out the mass.  They then have to break your hyoid bone to make sure there is no remnant of the mass that can grow back.

My life was sitting in a great place and headed in a wonderful direction, but this morning some of my dreams were broken.  I will have a scar that goes across my throat forever.  I already struggle with my looks enough, this extra abnormality is not exciting for me.  I cried for a while because my dreams of going on a mission might be in jeopardy.  I have had 4 surgeries in as many years and I might not be able to go.  I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life if I miss out on that experience.

I’ll keep you all posted on how my new plans are progressing, if I’ll get to go on a mission, and what new and beautiful lessons I learn because of this experience.  I am not bitter at God, instead I am looking to find what I need to gain from this event, why I’m being tested this way, and what I need to be focusing on.  I relish challenges because it is through pain and struggling that we grow and I want to grow to become the best man I can be.  My life is going in a new direction and I can't wait to see where this road takes me.

Friends In Low Places

I’ve often looked back on my life and thought about why certain people entered it when they did.  One of my favorite stories goes something like this:

“A man looks back along the beach of his life and for most of it he sees two sets of footprints, his and the Savior’s, but as he looks more closely at the sand he notices that the places in his life where he felt he was carrying the most weight there was only one deep set of prints.  The man, angry and confused, turns to the Savior and says ‘The times in my life when I needed you by my side the most you left me.’  Our patient and loving Savior turned to the man and said ‘The places where there are only one set of footprints are the times when I carried you.’”

This ties in closely with another story that has been on my mind recently:

“One day a very old man went to a beach covered in starfish.  As he looked out across the beach, and his heart filled with sorrow for all of the dying creatures, he saw a young boy pick up a starfish and throw it into the waves.  He approached the boy and said ‘There are miles of beach and thousands of starfish.  You can’t possibly make a difference.’  The boy thought for a second, picked up a single starfish and threw it into the water.  He turned to the old man and said ‘I made a difference to that one.’”

I know that these are two of the most overused stories, but I want to take a look at them from a different point of view.  When I look back at my life I see so many places where I was low, carrying so much sadness and anger that I thought I could just collapse, and then someone came into my life and taught me how to be happy again.  I’ve had three knee surgeries and each time I have had a special friend who carried my heart through the pain and loneliness until I could walk again.  I have had periods of spiritual stagnation and then I have had friends show me a new way to look at God.  I have had times where I feel low and filled with darkness and then I see the light of my friend’s candle burning in their window and find a way to raise myself back to joy.

Everyone goes through these periods of grief, pain, and darkness.  It is these times that we feel so utterly alone.  It is this pain that allows the Savior to carry us via the mortal angels who walk among us each day.  He sends a new friend for us to meet, or allows us to meet our old friends again.  These people are our crutches even if they never know it.

I think of all the hundreds of people I see every day and realize how many people there actually are in the world and I feel like a starfish on the beach.  Then a friend, who also sees the billions of other starfish on the beach takes the 3 seconds out of their life to smile at me, or send me a message that simply says “thinking of you” and I feel the difference they’ve made to me.

I see all of these things and try to live my life in a way that if Christ needs me to carry someone else I have the strength in my back to do so.  And if he calls on me to pick up a starfish I do it with love for that person.  I smile at strangers not knowing who needs my grin.  I write not knowing who needs my words.  I love not knowing who is missing love from somewhere else.  I point out the beauty of the world hoping that someone else can see the world as I see it.  I laugh praying that my mirth is infectious.  I do these things so that in my moments of weakness I can see someone else doing these things and I can be happy.

My Blog's Title

Lately I've seen several of my friend's blogs and lots of them have some wonderful things in them.  I'm terrible at keeping a journal because I always think "No one's ever gonna read this so why does it matter?"  I decided that my blog would be my journal so I hope you enjoy it.

I spent about a half hour looking around my room trying to think of good titles.  I wanted it to be clever, but not too clever.  I wanted it to be catchy, memorable, and above all I wanted it to mean something to me, and anyone who reads it, so the name of my blog is "Today's Shadow."  It means - No matter what happened yesterday, good or bad, it's in today's shadow.

When I was 14 years old I was struggling with many facets of my life: social, emotional, family...etc.  I talked to a close family friend and he told me about a centuries old political philosophy that I could apply to my own life.  He said "Tabula Rasa."  Latin for "Clean Slate."  He told me that everyday when I woke up I could forget about everything that has ever happened in my past that has been bad and have clean slate.  Each morning I could have a good day, a fresh day, regardless of anything else that was going on in my life.  If I chose to be happy I could be.  I now live my life that way.  I wake up each morning with a smile on my face, keep a smile there all day, and fall asleep the same way.  My life is not easy, in fact it is very difficult, as are all lives, but I have chosen to be happy and face my trials with joy and so I am happy.

No matter what is happening in your life right now, always remember "Tabula Rasa," but you never have to remember "Today's Shadow."  Today is a new day.  Run into it.  Embrace this new day.