Pain and Revelations

I had surgery on Wednesday.  The first few days were great.  I was highly medicated and walking on air because of it.  I have discovered from my other surgeries that I develop addictions very quickly.  I quit the meds after 2.5 days and I still went through withdrawals last night.  It was absolutely terrible.  My temperature shoots way up, but my body feels cold; I’m sweating bullets but I still need two blankets.  My body shakes and the vibrations, combined with the lack of heavy medicines reaching my hurt area, caused my neck to hurt so badly I wanted to cry out in pain.  The only way to distract myself from the pain and have it be somewhat bearable is to watch a movie, eat something, text friends, and play little games with myself to keep my mind occupied on anything and everything that wasn’t my throat.

I mention this not to show how tough I am, but how vulnerable I am.  Something as small as a tiny white pill can drive me to the point of pain where all I want to do is give up.  These little pills are so powerful.  I’m not, and never will be, a drug addict.  I refuse to have my body ruled by something that could destroy me.

I have now had 4 surgeries in 4 years and I am finally realizing the power that pain relievers have on me.  After each of my surgeries I asked myself “Why me, why now?”  I think I finally understand.  There were 3 reasons:  First, I needed to value my body.  I am healthy most of the time and I need to never take that for granted.  Second, I needed to meet or get to know certain people who I never would’ve gotten know had it not been for surgery.  Third, I needed to know that drugs are more powerful than I ever imagined.  It took me 4 surgeries to truly understand that.  I will now never be tempted to use drugs, ever.  I don’t know why I’m so dumb that it took me so many times to realize these things, but I’m glad I know them.  These revelations will alter some of the decisions of my future and I’m grateful for the knowledge I now have.

I’m sorry this post doesn’t seem as well articulated as usual.  I had to get these thoughts out there, but I’m still in a lot of pain and am having trouble thinking clearly.  I love you all for reading what I have to say.  Thank you for your support and love.  I know that the strength of your thoughts bring me courage and strength as well.  I am a part of you as you are a part of me.  Always remember that we all live for each other.  If we keep that knowledge in mind we can help those who only we can help.  We can love those only we can love.  And we can be helped and loved by those who are able to love and help us the way we need.