Pain and Revelations

I had surgery on Wednesday.  The first few days were great.  I was highly medicated and walking on air because of it.  I have discovered from my other surgeries that I develop addictions very quickly.  I quit the meds after 2.5 days and I still went through withdrawals last night.  It was absolutely terrible.  My temperature shoots way up, but my body feels cold; I’m sweating bullets but I still need two blankets.  My body shakes and the vibrations, combined with the lack of heavy medicines reaching my hurt area, caused my neck to hurt so badly I wanted to cry out in pain.  The only way to distract myself from the pain and have it be somewhat bearable is to watch a movie, eat something, text friends, and play little games with myself to keep my mind occupied on anything and everything that wasn’t my throat.

I mention this not to show how tough I am, but how vulnerable I am.  Something as small as a tiny white pill can drive me to the point of pain where all I want to do is give up.  These little pills are so powerful.  I’m not, and never will be, a drug addict.  I refuse to have my body ruled by something that could destroy me.

I have now had 4 surgeries in 4 years and I am finally realizing the power that pain relievers have on me.  After each of my surgeries I asked myself “Why me, why now?”  I think I finally understand.  There were 3 reasons:  First, I needed to value my body.  I am healthy most of the time and I need to never take that for granted.  Second, I needed to meet or get to know certain people who I never would’ve gotten know had it not been for surgery.  Third, I needed to know that drugs are more powerful than I ever imagined.  It took me 4 surgeries to truly understand that.  I will now never be tempted to use drugs, ever.  I don’t know why I’m so dumb that it took me so many times to realize these things, but I’m glad I know them.  These revelations will alter some of the decisions of my future and I’m grateful for the knowledge I now have.

I’m sorry this post doesn’t seem as well articulated as usual.  I had to get these thoughts out there, but I’m still in a lot of pain and am having trouble thinking clearly.  I love you all for reading what I have to say.  Thank you for your support and love.  I know that the strength of your thoughts bring me courage and strength as well.  I am a part of you as you are a part of me.  Always remember that we all live for each other.  If we keep that knowledge in mind we can help those who only we can help.  We can love those only we can love.  And we can be helped and loved by those who are able to love and help us the way we need.

Life's Tessellations

A tessellation is a kind of art.  It is used to describe when two objects slide, flip, or rotate to fit in with itself to form one larger structure with no gaps or wholes.  In other words if you have a triangle and you rotate it so that the sides line up you have used a tessellation.

My life seems to be filled with tessellations.  When I think my life is getting to a good place it gets flipped upside down and rotated around until the direction I thought I was headed in seems like a diagonal course to where I am now headed.  Take the last two days for example.  Two days ago I knew where my life was headed.  I had two good jobs, I was getting ready to go back to school, I was preparing to go on a mission for my church, and I just felt like I would be in a good place for a while.  On Sunday I was shaving and noticed a bump on my throat.  I called the doctor and we scheduled an appointment for an hour later.  I went in and she told me that she thought it was a benign cyst but she wanted me to see a specialist in the morning. 

This morning I went to the specialist and he told me he thought he’d need to cut it out, but he had to get a CT scan to make sure.  I got the CT scan and went back to the office.  He told me it was a Thyroglossal Duct Cyst.  He told me that when we’re born our Thyroid is up higher and then travels down our throats to its final resting place.  As it goes down parts sometimes get separated and then grow as separate entities.  That’s what happened to me.  This gap in my throat has been growing my whole life but recently became filled with liquid and bloated and became noticeable.

He told me he needed to remove it.  He sent me to the scheduler and she told us a spot had opened seconds earlier for surgery on Wednesday.  I booked the appointment.  To remove a thyroglossal duct cyst they make an incision a few inches across, pull the skin away, and cut out the mass.  They then have to break your hyoid bone to make sure there is no remnant of the mass that can grow back.

My life was sitting in a great place and headed in a wonderful direction, but this morning some of my dreams were broken.  I will have a scar that goes across my throat forever.  I already struggle with my looks enough, this extra abnormality is not exciting for me.  I cried for a while because my dreams of going on a mission might be in jeopardy.  I have had 4 surgeries in as many years and I might not be able to go.  I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life if I miss out on that experience.

I’ll keep you all posted on how my new plans are progressing, if I’ll get to go on a mission, and what new and beautiful lessons I learn because of this experience.  I am not bitter at God, instead I am looking to find what I need to gain from this event, why I’m being tested this way, and what I need to be focusing on.  I relish challenges because it is through pain and struggling that we grow and I want to grow to become the best man I can be.  My life is going in a new direction and I can't wait to see where this road takes me.

Friends In Low Places

I’ve often looked back on my life and thought about why certain people entered it when they did.  One of my favorite stories goes something like this:

“A man looks back along the beach of his life and for most of it he sees two sets of footprints, his and the Savior’s, but as he looks more closely at the sand he notices that the places in his life where he felt he was carrying the most weight there was only one deep set of prints.  The man, angry and confused, turns to the Savior and says ‘The times in my life when I needed you by my side the most you left me.’  Our patient and loving Savior turned to the man and said ‘The places where there are only one set of footprints are the times when I carried you.’”

This ties in closely with another story that has been on my mind recently:

“One day a very old man went to a beach covered in starfish.  As he looked out across the beach, and his heart filled with sorrow for all of the dying creatures, he saw a young boy pick up a starfish and throw it into the waves.  He approached the boy and said ‘There are miles of beach and thousands of starfish.  You can’t possibly make a difference.’  The boy thought for a second, picked up a single starfish and threw it into the water.  He turned to the old man and said ‘I made a difference to that one.’”

I know that these are two of the most overused stories, but I want to take a look at them from a different point of view.  When I look back at my life I see so many places where I was low, carrying so much sadness and anger that I thought I could just collapse, and then someone came into my life and taught me how to be happy again.  I’ve had three knee surgeries and each time I have had a special friend who carried my heart through the pain and loneliness until I could walk again.  I have had periods of spiritual stagnation and then I have had friends show me a new way to look at God.  I have had times where I feel low and filled with darkness and then I see the light of my friend’s candle burning in their window and find a way to raise myself back to joy.

Everyone goes through these periods of grief, pain, and darkness.  It is these times that we feel so utterly alone.  It is this pain that allows the Savior to carry us via the mortal angels who walk among us each day.  He sends a new friend for us to meet, or allows us to meet our old friends again.  These people are our crutches even if they never know it.

I think of all the hundreds of people I see every day and realize how many people there actually are in the world and I feel like a starfish on the beach.  Then a friend, who also sees the billions of other starfish on the beach takes the 3 seconds out of their life to smile at me, or send me a message that simply says “thinking of you” and I feel the difference they’ve made to me.

I see all of these things and try to live my life in a way that if Christ needs me to carry someone else I have the strength in my back to do so.  And if he calls on me to pick up a starfish I do it with love for that person.  I smile at strangers not knowing who needs my grin.  I write not knowing who needs my words.  I love not knowing who is missing love from somewhere else.  I point out the beauty of the world hoping that someone else can see the world as I see it.  I laugh praying that my mirth is infectious.  I do these things so that in my moments of weakness I can see someone else doing these things and I can be happy.

My Blog's Title

Lately I've seen several of my friend's blogs and lots of them have some wonderful things in them.  I'm terrible at keeping a journal because I always think "No one's ever gonna read this so why does it matter?"  I decided that my blog would be my journal so I hope you enjoy it.

I spent about a half hour looking around my room trying to think of good titles.  I wanted it to be clever, but not too clever.  I wanted it to be catchy, memorable, and above all I wanted it to mean something to me, and anyone who reads it, so the name of my blog is "Today's Shadow."  It means - No matter what happened yesterday, good or bad, it's in today's shadow.

When I was 14 years old I was struggling with many facets of my life: social, emotional, family...etc.  I talked to a close family friend and he told me about a centuries old political philosophy that I could apply to my own life.  He said "Tabula Rasa."  Latin for "Clean Slate."  He told me that everyday when I woke up I could forget about everything that has ever happened in my past that has been bad and have clean slate.  Each morning I could have a good day, a fresh day, regardless of anything else that was going on in my life.  If I chose to be happy I could be.  I now live my life that way.  I wake up each morning with a smile on my face, keep a smile there all day, and fall asleep the same way.  My life is not easy, in fact it is very difficult, as are all lives, but I have chosen to be happy and face my trials with joy and so I am happy.

No matter what is happening in your life right now, always remember "Tabula Rasa," but you never have to remember "Today's Shadow."  Today is a new day.  Run into it.  Embrace this new day.