Trials

Hello,

I don’t like being angry.  It doesn’t happen very often.  In fact, anyone who knows me knows that from time to time I am a lot of things, distant, quiet, loud, sad, restless, confused, bothered, but in reality there are only a couple of things and people that make me angry.  I don’t like this feeling.  This darkness, the fire in my belly, the coldness of my eyes as I look at everything, I don’t like this.  I wanted to talk today about some of the wonderful things that have happened to me this week, the friendships that have been strengthened, the chalk festival I went to on Saturday, but I can’t seem to focus on the positive right now.  I am very aware that the initial anger cannot be avoided sometimes.  We are human and get angry.  Sometimes we need to walk out to avoid a conflict, and sometimes we need some time to calm down, but I am also very aware that holding onto that anger becomes my problem.  I am working hard on finding an internal peace, some balm to soothe the burns on my heart.  I am still unsuccessful.

It’s very difficult for me right now.  My emotions have been through the wringer the last few months.  I have felt extended periods of sadness, apprehension, guilt, pain, stress, fear, and a million other emotions.  It all came to a head last night when I stormed out of where I was, ran a mile to the park, and collapsed into the grass.  I cried, I prayed, I cried some more.  I talked to my mom and some friends, but as much as they were helpful, it has not yet been enough.  I am not making an excuse for myself.  I should not allow myself to feel like this, but I suppose there has been so much that I have been holding for so long I was bound to break sometime.  I have been told that it will get worse, much worse, before it will get better.  I don’t want the people in my life to need to walk on eggshells around me.  It’s hard to imagine me being the one that people are wary of spending time with.  I will spend much time in meditation, prayer, and I may even fast soon, because when we give up food and feel that strain our spirits are elevated that much closer to Heaven for a moment.

I know that our trials are for our good, and they will be but a small moment.  Intellectually I know that, but emotionally this feels like it is bound to last forever.  The quote of the week is a long one from the scriptures.  This was written by a great prophet who spent his life serving our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He was struggling with something in his heart, and his anguished soul cried out these words:

2 Nephi 4 “26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.”

I can feel the peace that comes through the Savior’s soothing love.  I can feel the Spirit guiding me.  I love my family, and I am so grateful for my friends.  I truly am happy.  Maybe not at this moment, maybe not this week, but life is too difficult already to waste my energy feeling sorry for myself, or angry because someone offended me.  I can feel peace.  I will feel peace.  I look forward to that moment.

Drew