Trials

Hello,

I don’t like being angry.  It doesn’t happen very often.  In fact, anyone who knows me knows that from time to time I am a lot of things, distant, quiet, loud, sad, restless, confused, bothered, but in reality there are only a couple of things and people that make me angry.  I don’t like this feeling.  This darkness, the fire in my belly, the coldness of my eyes as I look at everything, I don’t like this.  I wanted to talk today about some of the wonderful things that have happened to me this week, the friendships that have been strengthened, the chalk festival I went to on Saturday, but I can’t seem to focus on the positive right now.  I am very aware that the initial anger cannot be avoided sometimes.  We are human and get angry.  Sometimes we need to walk out to avoid a conflict, and sometimes we need some time to calm down, but I am also very aware that holding onto that anger becomes my problem.  I am working hard on finding an internal peace, some balm to soothe the burns on my heart.  I am still unsuccessful.

It’s very difficult for me right now.  My emotions have been through the wringer the last few months.  I have felt extended periods of sadness, apprehension, guilt, pain, stress, fear, and a million other emotions.  It all came to a head last night when I stormed out of where I was, ran a mile to the park, and collapsed into the grass.  I cried, I prayed, I cried some more.  I talked to my mom and some friends, but as much as they were helpful, it has not yet been enough.  I am not making an excuse for myself.  I should not allow myself to feel like this, but I suppose there has been so much that I have been holding for so long I was bound to break sometime.  I have been told that it will get worse, much worse, before it will get better.  I don’t want the people in my life to need to walk on eggshells around me.  It’s hard to imagine me being the one that people are wary of spending time with.  I will spend much time in meditation, prayer, and I may even fast soon, because when we give up food and feel that strain our spirits are elevated that much closer to Heaven for a moment.

I know that our trials are for our good, and they will be but a small moment.  Intellectually I know that, but emotionally this feels like it is bound to last forever.  The quote of the week is a long one from the scriptures.  This was written by a great prophet who spent his life serving our Savior, Jesus Christ.  He was struggling with something in his heart, and his anguished soul cried out these words:

2 Nephi 4 “26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?

28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.”

I can feel the peace that comes through the Savior’s soothing love.  I can feel the Spirit guiding me.  I love my family, and I am so grateful for my friends.  I truly am happy.  Maybe not at this moment, maybe not this week, but life is too difficult already to waste my energy feeling sorry for myself, or angry because someone offended me.  I can feel peace.  I will feel peace.  I look forward to that moment.

Drew

Serenity

Hey,

For those of you who usually check my blog earlier on Mondays, I apologize for my tardiness.

This week has been truly wonderful.  I made some new friends, enjoyed myself out and about, and started my second job working with the kids.  It always fascinates me, which things affect us in ways we’d never anticipate; how a seemingly meaningless moment is the key to everything that comes afterwards.  I sometimes wonder at the love and care that our Lord has for each of us.  How He, while still allowing others their agency, puts just the right moment in our path to give power to us in our desperate moments of need.

At work there are a couple of the kids who do not speak any English, only Spanish.  The girl I work with is fluent in Spanish and I could leave it up to her to communicate with them and give them instructions, but that is not in my nature.  While I was in Brazil it was very obvious that often children are drawn to me and so one of the jokes that I shared with people is “I may not speak Portuguese, but I can speak child.”  That would set members and investigators at ease knowing that this really big guy who didn’t talk much had a soft spot for their children and would take the time to use hand gestures and broken Portuguese to make their kids laugh.  Anyway, at work I use my Portuguese when talking to these kids and they speak to me in Spanish.  I don’t understand everything they say and they definitely don’t get everything I say, but they understand enough.  He sees my efforts and appreciates them.  About half of the kids speak Spanish so they are all working together to help me improve.  It is an absolutely beautiful thing.

For the quote of the week I have a friend who is having a really rough week and so I shared with her “The Serenity Prayer” by Reinhold Niebuhr.  He was inspired to say

 “God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.”

I know that this is an inspired message.  This has provided me with peace and a sense of love in my life.  I thank the Lord every day for my many blessings.

Peace be the journey,

Drew

Happiness

Hey readers,

It has come to my attention that some people think that I am fighting depression or having other emotional problems.  I would like you all to know that is not the case.  I am truly glad that some of you out there who experience those challenges have been able to connect to my words and find inspiration and strength.  I will explain how I created my sense of well-being, and hope that others can find happiness through this pattern as well.  I understand that what I will say sounds a lot easier than it is. I am not brushing off legitimate health conditions, but know that I have been through this process, fought my demons, and come out victorious.

When I was 14 I was taught that each day is a new day.  It doesn't matter what happened yesterday, happens today, or will happen tomorrow, because today can be its own.  There are many people in the world who believe that "other people" are happy because they have money, or that doing things or going places that makes “those people” happy.  It is really true that the greatest joys are found in the family, but that doesn't mean those joys come without work.  Believe it or not, true and consistent happiness is hard; it's one of the hardest things in life to find and I believe it is every person's goal.  I suppose that in the end, that is exactly what makes it so wonderful when you achieve a state of real happiness.

From the time I was 14 until I was about 16 I woke up every morning and decided to be happy.  I didn't decide that something or someone was going to make me happy today, but that I would be happy no matter what.  With a smile on my face and a willing heart I faked through it every day.  Eventually I realized that I wasn't faking it and the smile was real.  I was happy.  After years of hurting every day, and then several months of feeling nothing, I was now actually happy.  A lot of the time.  I worked on this until I was 16.  I built friendships that are still meaningful today with a great group of people, and friends I had during middle school continued to become better friends.  My life was great.

One day I realized that I was so happy that I was being selfish; I wasn't sharing my inner joy with people as effectively as I should.  I would share it with my attitude, and when I talked to people one-on-one I could describe it to them, but that wasn't enough.  I needed to dig deeper and try harder to make the people around me understand.  I began developing habits of waving to strangers, smiling at people who looked sad, and finding specific kind things to say to people on a personal level.  I served people more and became so much happier than I'd ever been.  I was always filled with a manic energy and I could not contain myself.

While growing up I have had several difficult experiences and things that have shaken my foundation.  I am now so much quieter than I was before that some people have mistaken my calmness for unhappiness, but that is not the case.  You can be silent and contemplative, but still feel a deep burning joy.  The keys to being happy all of the time, even during very difficult experiences, is to 1) choose to be happy, 2) share your joy with others, and 3) work at it.  The best things in life don't come free or easy, but they do come.

I love you all and am so grateful that you take the time to read my blog.  It means the world to me that I can share something with you that is so dear to my heart.

The quote of the day is from an unknown source of wisdom: "When I was in grade school, they told me to write down what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wrote down happy.  They told me I didn't understand the assignment; I told them they didn't understand life."  Happiness is a goal, a difficult, wondrous, and extremely powerful thing, but a goal nonetheless.  Seek after it and work at it, and you can be truly happy in everything you do.

Peace, joy, and love,

Drew

Peace

Dear Friends,

Life is so great right now.  Difficult, long, but every moment is worth it.  I have not had a lot of life experience, but enough to know that every step of the journey is necessary and enriching.  Things happen in our lives for a purpose and in the direction of the Lord’s will.  We are often taught that in the moment that we turn our will to the Lord’s (the only gift we can truly give Him) then the blessings flow, the peace comes, and the growth accelerates.

My studies this week have been on peace.  I have discovered that regardless of the fact that we are busy, stressed, tired, or otherwise occupied in our time and our energy we can still have peace if we diligently seek after it.  In your divine nature as a child of God is the potential to have full confidence in all of your decisions – that they follow the will of God.  When this trust is formed between you and Him peace comes.  We will not always choose right or well, but as long as we have the Spirit with us it is okay to make mistakes because that sweet Spirit remains and leads us back to Him. 

On Sunday at church I was talking with a friend of mine about life. The conversation traveled quickly across the whole spectrum of topics. We settled for a while on the random things we know and the way they bless the lives of others. We talked about how sometimes in college we take random classes that have nothing to do with our major and we learn things like the cat’s ear has 32 muscles, or why sometimes the limit line at the stop light is curved backwards. We talked about how occasionally we are able to share these facts to make someone else happy, assist someone with a problem, or just amuse the crowd. My friend has been having knee problems for a long time and they have finally worked that out and now life is good again. I’ve had my fair share of knee surgeries and injuries, so it was nice to be able to commiserate with my friend.

The quote of the day is a scripture from John 14:27.  It reads, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”  When we can begin to understand our nature it becomes easier to find peace in life.  I love the Father, and the Lord Jesus Christ.  Their plan is perfect.  We are not perfect, but their plan for us is absolutely perfect.  If we follow that plan there is nothing we can’t do.  We may not accomplish it in this life, but we truly can have all that God has and become all that He is. 

Drew Bushman